grow.

       

grow

I’ve learned something about myself. I grow with the music. Every song makes me discover the evolution of who I am as a writer of songs and walker of life. Every note I play is a deep reflection of some imbedded part deep within me. I know it sounds egocentric. The truth is, the more I find out about who I am as a woman, the more I’m disappointed. And the more I learn about who I am, the more I learn about God, and there is no disappointment in that. With every song I write, I’m lured into a very vulnerable place of discovering who I am as a woman and who God is. I know it may sound silly and overdramatic, but it’s where I am.

 

the place

I’m an extremely ambitious woman. My ambition has wobbled me to where I am today and has also given my mom  (awesome) grey streaks in her red hair. I can’t say I’m proud of it all, but it’s my life.

My ambition makes me run. It’s in my nature to always be moving and I’m especially talented with the motion of running. I’m good at running from problems, fear, failure, being known, yesterday, today, tomorrow, and any situation I find uncomfortable. My years of experience have resulted in me being an unorganized control freak with the word “irresponsible,” thrown in every so mile. I’m practically a winning veteran of marathons sponsored by fear. It always appears easier to run away from something than to run towards something. My past ambition has been channeled in running away from things rather than running towards something.

Right now I’m in an interesting place. I’m actually taking steps forward. I’m seeing, feeling and experiencing things in a fresh and raw way. I know the word “raw,” may be a little gross but, it’s the truth. My heart has turned inside out and is sensitively starting to heal/work. All the hidden parts that I’ve been running from have emerged. A lot of those sensitive moments of life are surfacing in the form of melody and song. Some of those songs may not sound the best, but every single note is helping me face who I am and who God is, and with that comes an entirely new soundtrack to accompany this long race.

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~ by blackholesecret on June 3, 2009.